If there’s one thing I love, it’s screaming children in public, except that’s actually a thing I hate with the passion of a thousand suns. See how my thoughts are all messed up? I’m here in the café trying to write my wonderfully dangerous expose on ‘The Myth of The Male Ego’ and little Tommy over there is screeching a banshee. It’s almost like someone just gave him a beautifully wrapped present and he opened it to find several live scorpions.

I’ve been watching the whole thing out the corner of my eye. All that’s happened is that he didn’t get enough chocolate powder on his babyccino. It’s a shame, because I bought this coffee with my last bit of change and my laptop battery is dangerously close to being extinguished. And here I was, with the brilliant idea of taking on the beauty haters of the internet in a scathing think piece. Nowadays in Melbourne, anti wrinkle injections are taking off. How wonderful, if you’re into that sort of thing! But NO, hisses a small-yet-vocal portion of society! How dare you suggest a woman or a man do a thing of their own volition, to their own selves! People are freaking out because men can get anti-wrinkle treatments. That’s seriously it.

I checked the facts very carefully, did a bit of research, a few calculations of my own, and I found out something amazing: the number of people who’ve died from an anti-wrinkle treatment sits at exactly 0%. None. In fact, most report feeling better about themselves! This is just selfies all over again; a societal trend that people flip out over until they learn to live with it. People need to accept that there will always be anti-wrinkle treatments in Melbourne. Cosmetic lip tattooing is here to stay and looks fantastic when done right. Lip fillers are doing their thing. It’s not scary, it’s not going to ruin society. It’s individual choice. I hope that’s scathing enough. Now I’m seriously considering moving, because that child…oh, that child. It needs another babyccino, for one thing.