So I’ve been playing a lot of ‘Sim-Monarchy’ lately, in which you build your own fantasy kingdom, and I’ve realised one thing: I’m a despot. No two ways about it. I never got into any of those life simulators when I was younger, but my friends used to come to school with all these tales about how they drown their virtual people by taking away the pool ladder, or unleashed an alien space monster on their thriving city. Now it looks like I’ve become that, except in later life so I don’t have the excuse of being a wayward child.
I’ve called my kingdom ‘Melbourne’ because I’m just that creative, and my last kingly decree was that everyone gets exactly the same haircut. I noticed that a few hairdressing salons in South Melbourne were gaining popularity and giving my citizens some individuality, and we couldn’t have that. It’s a very realistic simulator, you see, and if I let people have too much artistic expression they could rise up against me.
No offense meant to any real-life hairdressers, but I had to put a stop to this. So I made it a decree that every man, woman and child get the same embarrassing haircut, so that I was the only person in Melbourne with cool hair, courtesy of the royal hairdresser. Not only will this make us look like more of a team to invaders; it should lower morale to the point where everyone is under my thumb for good.
I never knew that hairstyles were so important. It’s given me a lot of perspective, for sure. Next time I’m in the city, around those hair salons in David Jones and all that, I’ll have more reverence for the power they hold to sway the hearts and spirits of a nation. I guess I should also be happy that there isn’t a state-mandated hairstyle in Australia. It’d probably be a mullet.